Find It in Your Heart

Find it in your heart - Apology - Calligraphy _ 636091326794739759-807267383_maxresdefault.jpg

To The Girl I Wronged,

There is no doubt in my mind that you were, just like me, the kind of person that can feel sparks and see them. And that just like me, you are the kind of person who would rather die than admit they can see sparks. Because like me, you were a love cynic. You believed love hated you, just like I did myself. And you had deep issues with trust. I know because you used to have these nightmares that made me feel the need to protect you. But you would not admit to having had them. Oh, how much you would sweat when I woke you up from them. I just wanted to hold you and tell that it was just a ghost story, much like Don Williams sings. But you were really scared and I knew it. Because you were vulnerable enough to let me in. Am sorry I could not be the one to protect you from those nightmares.

 

I still remember the biggest issues that bugged you, and how much your soul yearned to be with another soul. To connect with another soul. A soul like mine. And the joy I felt when our souls connected. How I saw you blossom into womanhood from that teenage girl I first encountered. I loved how you became refined, and how you made me feel safe enough to explore young adulthood. I still remember the spirit of adventure we had and how crazy we would get. Am sorry I took you for granted, and that I was never there for you as much you were for me. I know it was not easy looking for a rock that you could lean on, and that I was not the one for you. You may deny this but deep down I know you wanted to be with me forever. And that you set down all to work on making that happen. I also know it because you admitted it to me when you were most vulnerable. Am sorry I did not turn into the prince you hoped for… because I remained a frog even when the charm should have worked.

 

Since March I have been trying to unburden myself of all the weight I carry. I have realized that some were unnecessary and unimportant and that I should have let go of them. I started this blog as a way of working on the important ones that I could not let go. The blog helped me share them and make fun of some through manipulation of words, and to share others so that my burdens could be lighter. But you are a big part of the part that I can neither share nor let go of. Because you are somewhere else. You are in my head, in my heart and sometimes in ears. Sorry, I must be high to say that last phrase, but you do get what am saying, right?  I mean I should have said sorry to you and I should have treated you like the gem you are. Because you are a special kind of being. Please forgive me for all the times I locked you out when I should have let you in. Am sorry I could not let you help me carry my burdens…

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If at all you are reading this, I want you to remember all the good times we had, and the adventures we took together. Remember all the stupid things we did. And the lapses in judgment that we had. And the quarrels we picked with others over nothing. I think we were both mentally unstable at the time. And struggling with the idea of being normal and living in society like proper humans. But we were together and that’s what made it special. Remember the heavenly chapatis we ate and how we explored the small eateries of this city. For all the dark days and the bright days. For all the fights and break ups and make ups. For all the pain and sorrow. For all the disappointments and immaturity. Am truly sorry.

 

Do forgive me for breaking your trust by failing to trust you enough and to do something about the distance that had come between us. Am sorry for engaging in fun without involving you. Even though I knew how much you loved having fun. Our kind of fun. Am not sure whether you would have allowed me to continue with our kind of fun if you had known then, that I would have loved it so much. Please bear in mind that I was just a boy who would not have known a good thing if it hit him in the face. I was stupid but I have grown wiser. I know it hasn’t been long, but I have grown in remarkable ways. So, I ask you to forgive me for being foolish and stupid and inconsiderate.
Am sure I owe you a vote of gratitude for making me embrace segments of my personality that I would not have readily embraced before you.  I owe you a great deal of gratitude for teaching me tricks that still help me to this day. I hope you learned something from me, like I did from you, even if it was just what not to do. I have become a bigger person – big enough to tender an apology on a blog (even if its readership is limited). Am sorry, please forgive.

I know you also owe me a great deal of apology for all the unspoken shortfalls. For all the lack of communication when it was important, and necessary. For failing to be open enough to let me know. For behaving as though there was no other option when there could have been.

 

Now, I want you to know that am not trying to make any excuses for having been a fool in the past. And I would never try to make excuses ever. Even when it may seem like am doing so.

 

Oh ye Lady of the Mountains and Ridges. The lady with a pretty smile, and skin the color of ripe tangerine. Find it in your heart to forgive me. If not for my sake, then for the sake of the girl I love today – or the one I may love tomorrow, or the one I did not love enough in the days gone. Your forgiveness will set me free to love her more. And to appreciate her more than I have ever appreciated anyone. Am thankful to you for unlocking that part of me. So, I humbly ask; please forgive me.

And I hope you did have a lovely birthday. Cheers, and may you have many more…

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